Last week, a District Court judge ordered a new trial for a former University of Iowa honors student who was convicted of rape in 2012, Ryan Foley reported for the Associated Press. The student had sex with another student on the Pentacrest lawn in Iowa City in 2010. She later accused him of rape, while he claimed the encounter was consensual. Judge Douglas Russell vacated the conviction because “a prosecutor asked witnesses improper questions to shore up the alleged victim’s credibility, and his defense lawyer gave him ineffective counsel.”

I can’t speak to what happened on that night in 2010–the Johnson County attorney later dismissed the charges against the student, who desired to establish his innocence at a second trial.

It’s clear that many similar tragedies could be avoided if teenagers understood consent properly before entering the world of dating and sexual exploration. Young men who rape may see themselves as opportunists rather than predators, like the frat boy who calmly described his method of forcing sex on an unwilling target, seemingly unaware he was outing himself as a violent criminal. Or they may genuinely believe that a woman incapacitated by heavy drinking consented to sex with them, only to be blindsided later by a rape accusation.

Training girls to protect themselves against sexual assault is worthwhile, but changing the culture requires teaching boys and girls what consent looks like. Three of the best resources I’ve found are linked below.

Alli Kirkham created seven comic-strip depictions of boundary-crossing as a thought experiment: “What If We Treated All Consent Like Society Treats Sexual Consent?” Her “much-needed perspective” is brilliant, from the guy who pressures his friend to keep playing poker (“You can’t invite me over to play cards and then not play cards!”) to the woman who tattoos a friend while he is asleep (“You said you wanted it!” “But I didn’t want it when I was unconscious and didn’t know what was happening!”).

None of Kirkham’s scenarios are sexual, which may make parents more comfortable discussing them with their children.

Marie Hartwell-Walker’s essay on “Talking To Your Teens about Acquaintance Rape” points out that parents are more likely to teach children about “stranger danger” than about acquaintance rape, though the latter is far more common.

Acquaintance rape often is thought of as manipulation by the male over the more vulnerable female. But acquaintance rape doesn’t always follow the stereotype. Acquaintance rape is about dominating another person sexually. It’s coerced sex. The force can be verbal or physical, manipulative or violent. Male or female, hetero or gay couple, when one member of a couple takes advantage of the other and demands, insists on, and forces sex, it has an ugly name. Rape.

In addition to talking about consent, Hartwell-Walker advises parents to talk about different forms of pressure (emotional blackmail as well as physical force) that may lead to non-consensual sex. She suggests ways to practice “words they can say and how they can leave,” in case teens end up in an uncomfortable situation. Equally important, she discusses how parents can model respect for their own bodies and their children’s bodies.

Talk about how important it is to only touch people in ways they want to be touched. Don’t assume that everyone wants to be hugged or that tickling kids is okay. Ask permission. Stop rough-housing or tickling when your kids have had enough. Your kids are watching.

That modeling should begin well before the teenage years. The Everyday Feminism website published an outstanding guide on “Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent, Ages 1-21.” Alyssa Royse, Joanna Schroeder, Julie Gillis, and Jamie Utt start with appropriate lessons for preschoolers, such as “Never force a child to hug, touch or kiss anybody, for any reason.” They encourage parents to teach school-age children to check in with their friends once in a while during imaginative play (such as war games), to make sure everyone is still having fun.

In the section on teens and young adults, the authors urge parents to “get kids talking” about how common “touch games” (such as butt-slapping) can make people feel violated, as well as “good touch” issues, like how to tell when someone is ready to kiss you. They give parents some scripts for responding to “locker-room talk” and helping kids plan to stay safe and keep others safe in a partying environment. Regardless of whether parents approve of drinking and recreational drug use, most teenagers will end up in that setting sooner or later.

– How will you know whether it’s okay to kiss someone, touch someone, or have sex with someone when you’ve had a lot to drink? Explain that decisions sometimes become cloudy, and signals become unclear when we are impaired. How will you be sure that you are reading the other person’s signals accurately? Suggest that they always ask for permission to touch or kiss another person, especially when there’s drinking involved.

– Although it should be obvious, explain that a person who is drunk, high or otherwise impaired should not be touched, harassed or sexually assaulted. Teach your children to stand up for, and seek help for, a fellow partygoer who has had to much too drink.

– Be careful about the language you use with your kids about partying. The responsibility is never on the victim to have prevented his or her assault. It is always on the perpetrator to make the right decision and not harm anyone.

Please share any relevant advice or resources in this thread.