Effective end of quarter campaign fundraising emails

A tongue-in-cheek take on overly aggressive political appeals for money as each quarterly deadline approaches. -promoted by Laura Belin

Here at One Voice Message & Media, we’re all about helping candidates run the best campaign they possibly can.

We’ve recently hired Vic Levene as our “in-house counsel.” Vic’s a seasoned pro from Chicago with decades of campaigns under his belt. He’ll eventually move back to the big city but for now he’s shacking up on my futon. Things there are “a little hot” for him back home. Whatever that means.

Anyhoo, it’s the end of the FEC fundraising quarter, which means your in-boxes are filled with emails from campaigns trying to squeeze every last dollar out of you they can.

Vic was nice enough to forward me a couple EOQ emails he wrote for a race that he ran a couple cycles back. No, they weren’t successful, but it had nothing to do with Vic’s email writing. The judge even said so.


DATE: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 08:00:12
SUBJECT: tonight’s deadline
FROM: Vic Levene, Campaign Manager

It takes a lot to run a Congressional race in Chicago, FIRSTNAME. TV’s expensive, office space is expensive, and we’re not above a little “walk around money” if you know what I mean. You give a guy a stack of $50s, he gives it to some other people, they take care of a problem you have. Once the money’s out of my hands it’s no longer my responsibility and that’s exactly what I told the detectives yesterday.

Tonight’s our big end of the quarter deadline. I told Mr. Murray I’d have 80 large in the bank and we need your help to get there. Can you help us out?

Mr. Murray hired me for a reason. I take care of business. I get things done in this city. And right now we have a good man in Roman Murray being opposed by some goodie two-shoes daddy’s boy who may have an apartment in this district (I got a guy watching it 24/7) but doesn’t know these streets like you and I do, FIRSTNAME. He’s not one of us.

For Chicago,

Vic Levene
Campaign Manager, Roman Murray for Congress


DATE: Tue, 30 Sep 2018 17:42:49
SUBJECT: you’ve seen the headlines, FIRSTNAME
FROM: Vic Levene, Campaign Manager

None of it’s true, FIRSTNAME.

Roman Murray’s campaign is not now, and has never been, a front for an illegal diamond trade.

The gentlemen in those FBI photographs you saw on the news last night are consultants. No, they are not from here. Mr. Murray has hired the best talent in the world for this race and sometimes that talent comes from New York or, in the case of Mr. Babyak, the former Soviet Union.

Those men were not dropping off “suitcases of money” for Mr. Murray. That’s why we’re emailing you today to ask for your help in meeting our end of quarter goal of $80,000.

I’ve known Roman Murray my whole life. He would never, as the Fake News media says, accept help from “shady characters” who are “known to the FBI.”

But because of these salacious headlines, FIRSTNAME, it’s going to be a lot harder than we thought to win this race. So can you help us out? $5 is all we need.

For Chicago,

Vic Levene
Campaign Manager, Roman Murray for Congress


DATE: Tue, 30 Sep 2018 22:07:08
SUBJECT: oh so that’s how it’s gonna be
FROM: Vic Levene, Campaign Manager

I’ll level with you, FIRSTNAME. We have a mole inside our opponent’s campaign. That dummy with his too-white smile doesn’t have the first clue. And my guy just told us you gave THEM $50 but we can’t get a paltry $5 donation out of you?

Really, FIRSTNAME? Really?

This isn’t some big presidential race where the candidate lies and says they remember you but actually couldn’t pick you out of a lineup if their life depended on it. This is local. This is personal. This district is like a small town. We all know each other.

We know where you live, FIRSTNAME. You think this is where it ends?

We want at least $10. We know you’re good for it.

Vic Levene
Campaign Manager, Murray for Chicago

PS Nice car. Be a shame if something happened to it.

About the Author(s)

Greg Hauenstein