Ira Lacher: We now know that the events of 2020 were no accident. We have uncovered heretofore classified recordings of a plot by a heretofore unknown alien race to inject chaos into America so as to make us ripe for a heretofore unknown takeover.
What follows is the complete transcript of those heretofore classified recordings.
“Greetings, distinguished leader of the Grand Assembly of the united planet Wwwvvsso. I am here to report on our project of the last four of the solar cycles of the planet known as Earth, which we have identified as the most agreeable planet for our colonization.”
“Thank you, Explorer Rrrkkppa. We have only a few questions since you have done very well to annotate your experiments in understanding how the dominant species on planet Earth perceives reality. The implications could be profound for all Wwwvvssoians, as we seek to expand our galactic empire through military force. Now, then, briefly recap your findings.”